I never thought I'd have the bravery to write those words and I never wanted to have to. I never thought I'd find the words either. And I still feel a little bit silly about feeling so hard, so intensely. But I can't help it. Oh God, I really can't.
There was that one day when I was going to work, it was probably May or something, the sun was out and it was shaping up to be a lovely day. I used to work in a clothes shop that belonged to another one and I had to pick up the keys, walk through the quirky little streets of North Laine and get to the other shop, just in front of Kensington Gardens. And that morning, I'd picked up the keys, put my iPod back on and crossed those streets, and I saw Tom Searle at the terrace of the vegan cafe which name I can never remember. I think it's the Loving Hut, but don't quote me on that. And he was sat there, living his life, and I tried to be the cool girl who didn't stare, and he smiled at me. And I thought it was because I'd stared more than I wanted to and he was just being polite. And I'd completely forgotten I was wearing an Architects t-shirt that day and it was probably why he smiled at me.
And it's not headline news.
Emo kid runs into guitar player of one of her favourite bands. Said guitar player smiles at her.
And for some reason it meant something.
He'd taken two seconds out of his day to acknowledge my existence because I was wearing his band's merch and it meant something and I wish I could explain.
I still walk past the Loving Hut a lot. North Laine is my favourite place in that town I'm lucky enough to call home. And now it feels a little bit different. A little bit empty, maybe. But that memory, it will always be there.
I know it may sound silly to some people as I didn't know Tom personally, but the minute I read about his death, I lost a part of me. I had just finished work and I was on my phone, and I saw a message from Emma sending me love, and I thought she was just being her usual, lovely, kind self, I thought she was just being Emma.
And then I saw.
And I grabbed my keys and left the house and tried to figure out what to do with myself and how not to throw up and how not to crumble on the ground and cry.
And I walked around a lot that day, just trying to get it out of my system.
And then I went home and tried so hard to call my brother, and he would not pick up the phone. And then he did. "The guitar player for Architects just died". And I broke down and the world just stopped, finally.
I had a hard time wrapping my broken mind around it. I didn't want it to be real. I wanted to wake up and it hadn't happened. And I woke up at 6 the next day and Tom was still gone.
It's almost been a month and I've accepted it as a fact. He's gone.
The thing is, I also can't help but feeling the world is a little bit less bright now he's not here anymore. There's a little less hope in the world. And I want that hope back, and I want that life back, but I just don't know how.
It's almost been a month and I've acceped it as a fact. He's gone.
And I thought it hurt less but tonight, I've seen The Xcerts and they dedicated There Is Only You to him and it was agony. I ended up outside, tears stuck in my throat, trying not to throw up. It's almost been a month and it's still torture.
But here's the thing.
The world is a little bit less bright and there's a part of myself that I'll never get back, but what Tom created with Architects made my life infinitely better.
They have changed my life in an incredibly positive way and they have changed me as a person - a better person.
They have taught me to be more mindful - of the world around me, of myself.
They have shaped the person I'm becoming every day and they have given me so much.
They've brought me and my brother closer together. What we shared when we saw them with Parkway Drive in Paris and my brother laughed and said I almost punched him in the face three times during Naysayer was stronger than everything.
The art and the vision of the world Tom gave me, Tom gave us, changed everything turned everything around, shapeshifted everything in the most positive way, and completely unexpectedly. I remember seeing Architects at Damage Festival in 2012 and I was sick and I ended up on stage, and I remember seeing them at Warped UK the week after, and we'd found Tom at the merch stand and we got so caught up talking to we missed a chunk of Lostprophets' set.
On these days, on those moments, when I just knew of them and appreciated the odd song here and there, I never thought they'd change my life. They completely took me by surprise and before I knew it, I was counting on The Here and Now to make me feel better, I was changing my life for the better.
I couldn't possibly put into words the exact impact they had on my life or the way my heart bursts with joy when they walk on a stage or the way I could feel the pain in my heart when I read "RIP Tom" online. There will never be any existing words for that, only feelings, and maybe that's better this way.
The last time I ever saw Tom was when Architects did the release show for All Our Gods Have Abandoned Us on the 27th of May. On that day, nothing mattered more than the smile on my brother's face and the amazement in his voice as we walked along Madeira Drive after the show. And I know I will always be grateful to Tom for creating something that gave me a better world but the thing that I will always be most grateful for is how the art he created and the vision of the world he had gives my brother an escape every day. That is a gift beyond every gig, beyond every chat, beyond everything else.
And I wish I could have said thank you for that.
I will never quite accept that Tom isn't here anymore and I know there will always be something missing. I know the next times I see Architects are going to be beyond painful and I'm immensely scared.
But I can tell you the inspiration he's always been is not going anywhere. The mark he left on my life and on my family is not going anywhere. The music he's given us is not going anywhere.
And I'll just try too hold on to the part of me he changed forever.
I know it sounds silly because I didn't know him personally. He was just the guitar player from one of my favourite bands and we just talked twice, the last time being two years ago. But the power of music, man. That's stronger than everything I know and it may be why I feel that way.
I don't know.
There's no conclusion for this. I didn't think of an end for this.
Don't read too much into it.