What can I say? I have a history of broken hearts. To my knowledge, I haven't broken any hearts in my twenty-five years on his Earth, but God knows mine has been shattered quite a few times. I suppose that's what happens when you have a slight tendency to throw yourself head first at emotionally unavailable people - a thing you had never fully realised until you nursed your broken beating thing with Mayday Parade's Miserable at Best and 28p Tesco cream crackers in a Megabus. But that's not what I want to reflect on - even though how tragically emo I am is funny, I'll always agree to that.

I think that after getting my heart broken enough times to write a counselling book on how to get over heartache, I need to take a step back and address all the people who have, well, done the deed.

(Not directly, of course. Don't expect specifics or names. I'm a nice person)

I'm not angry.
I have been, sure. I am only human. But I have no hard feelings anymore. I don't blame any of you. Even if you told me you thought you liked me and in the end, you didn't, and it made me question everything I was and left me in tears for days. Even if you told your friend who told my friend who told my other friend who told me without any sort of diplomacy that you thought I was ugly and I spent the following English lesson in tears on my horrible beige desk and it left me with a self esteem lower than it already was. Even if you dated all my friends and pretty much ruined my year and threw my trust levels in the gutter. 

I have forgiven you, as hard as it's been. I don't blame you anymore. I'm not angry anymore.

I suppose some things need to be said. Thinsg I wish some of you hadn't said or done. This is not "How to break my heart 101", by the way. It's just a way for me to share my experiences and deal with what I've been through. Or something. This isn't well organised. I don't know where this is going. At all.

Thank you if you've let me down gently - as gently as you could. No one ever wants to have to rank the people who have broken their heart from the worst to the less horrible, but I ended up doing it, because the day you stop putting the boy who lead you on and ignored you and told you he thought he liked you and in the end he didn't on a pedestal, you realise he treated you awfully where some others have treated you with respect, and this isn't what you deserve. You deserve all the respect and the gentleness in the world. If you're going to break my heart, you might as well limit the collateral damage. Do not leave me with anger or hard feelings. Treat me in a way I'll remember fondly. Don't give me the chance to think anything else than "he is a good person" in the end.

Don't tell me we will be friends if you don't mean it. I know there are a lot of reasons for people to fall out, but if you're going to blatantly ignore me afterwards, don't say of course we'll be friends. You're already breaking my heart. Don't lie to me on top of it. I promise you, I don't need it. My life requires puppies and cuddles, not lies, thank you very much.

Don't try to set me up with your friend who happens to be around as we speak. Don't tell me I'll find someone else somewhere. Don't tell me there are plenty of great boys around for me. Chances are I hadn't fallen for the idea of being in a relationship, I had fallen for you. Yes, you. You, and your qualities, and your flaws. You as a person. Also, do not tell me you are not that great. I know in some regards, my standards are lying flat dead at the bottom of an industrial sized bin, but I know how to pick people. Sure, I run to people who are emotionally unavailable like bees fly to flowers, and it's something I'm trying to sort out, but I would not wilfully choose someone who "isn't that great". I am aware that you are a human being. I am aware that you have flaws. I am the same. I am not putting you on a pedestal. I just want you to know that yes, you are imperfect, who the fuck isn't, but yes, I still think you're that great.

It's weird to think so fondly of someone who made you so sad, who made you cry, who broke you, who made you cry yourself to sleep and crumble on the floor of a Travelodge bedroom while listening to Cover You Up by Real Friends. Sometimes, I do. Sometimes, I don't. I'm only human. I'm trying my best to kill the world with kindness and the amount of love I seem to have ready to give in myself surprises me sometimes, but I do not think fondly of all of you. And I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for saving myself. You're forgiven, I do not hold any grudge, and there has been water under the bridge and we have both moved on, but I do not think fondly of you and I'm not sorry at all. Because you never were.

I'm trying to sort myself out, now, which, I suppose, will take time, and I don't even know what to do with myself. It is the strangest thing to have a broken heart on the mend and have no reason to blame myself for anything, have done nothing wrong, have no reason to be sorry. I am confused. I am trying to come to terms with it. Who would have thought that a clean record would be the most question inducing situation? Only me.

I meant this post as some sort of open letter, but I haven't thought of an ending at all. It can't really be I love you, you know. I don't even love all of you. Do I even love any of you? Maybe in a friendly way. And clearly not everyone. I don't know how to close this.

PS . I didn't mean this to sound this bittersweet. I'm not. Just trying to sort some things out and be honest with myself and see if where I'm going is reasonable or something. Who the fuck knows.