I never know where to start.

Why do I want a blog? I just want to write. I don't have the time nor energy to have a handwritten diary anymore. For me, gone are the days of pouring my heart out in a cheap notebook, and yet, I still need to write, I still need to vent, and I want to share the things I do, love or feel. I go to so many gigs and all my feelings require more than a hundred and forty characters or a picture on my Instagram account. The list of things I want and feel like I need to talk about is long, so long I couldn't even think about starting to compile it. I just want and need to write, man. That's the bottom line.

I am absolutely horrible with deadlines, so, we'll see where this is going. How am I going to deal with writing about all the gigs I go to and keeping it relevant? Is anyone going to read this? I suppose that, at heart, I still am the angsty teenager I was, except that now, I have an Internet connection instead of a bad notebook that cost me less than a euro.

I don't know where this thing is going. Tomorrow, I might delete it. Tomorrow, it might launch me places. What do I know?

I've never been any good at describing myself. When Skyrock blogs were a thing (French people will know what I'm on about), I used to make slightly emo lists of facts about myself, things that went along the lines of "I am scared of rats and the dentist, but I'm also scared of falling in love". Oh to be eighteen and innocent. I have found this blog again. Here's what eighteen year old me wrote about herself :

"In the end, no one cares about my name, my age or the place where I live. They're just details, you know. My nicknames are Violette, Lyn, L, Toufic, Carra or Annette, only to quote a few. I like watching Disney movies, eating Kinder chocolate, stuffed animals and I probably look insane in toy stores. I love decorating the Christmas tree. The best thing about December is, let's be honest, Christmas magic. I like having lots of people in my life. I'm not your "I can count my friends on my fingers" person. Maybe it's a flaw. Maybe I'm too quick to trust people. I don't do halves - they say I'm extreme. I scare people : too childish, too much of a dreamer, my laugh is too loud, a little bit too crazy, a little bit too passionate. I do all things TOO MUCH. I'm also way too shy. I need to be loved, but I don't know how to tell people I love I do - or when I do, it's oh so ridiculous. I'm so scared about everything - rats, losing people I love because I want to love them more, the dentist. One of my dreams is to be able to put nailpolish on my right hand without it being awful - let's call that an impossible mission. I will call my daughters Eleanor & Jude, and my sons Cedric & Frank. Music is my everything : I live for music, write about music, breathe for music. I'd say life isn't worth it without music. I wish gigs were free. What were the best ones I attended, so far? BB Brunes and Stereophonics. I don't think I'm a fangirl, I just think I admire people and artists and I am very enthusiastic. That's probably why I went to the Boulevard Brune last Saturday. I'm still human, you know, and I find it hard to breathe when I see Benjamin Siksou, Felix Hemmen, Adrien Gallo or Robert Pattinson. I like football, rugby, Formula 1, tennis. I got toy cars for Christmas when I was a child and I had asked them to Santa myself. I want to go to Australia, Liverpool, Canada, Denmark or India. I need sunshine to survive. I admire Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, Harry Kewell or Jamie Carragher - to sum things up, I admire football players who actually enjoy playing football and want to spend their entire career playing for the same team. I need to write. A lot. I am completely insecure and I hate Dora the Explorer. 
Now, you know everything".

This is a really rough translation, you know, and I have no clue where this thing is going. Maybe in a couple of months or years, when I have decided to share the link to this page with people who know me in real life, I will read this again and think that was an embarrassing start. Why did I have to share what I had written about myself when I was an eighteen year old teenager obsessed with football and that French band called the BB Brunes?

Because it says a lot about who I am now. So many things have changed and so many things have stayed the same. None of these nicknames are being used anymore and I'm not scared of going to the dentist. Why on Earth did I say I loved Disney movies when I can't remember the last time I watched one, no one knows. And yet, I still need to love and be loved, I still probably trust people too quickly, I still think life isn't worthwhile without music. It's actually true your teenage years shape who you are as a grown-up. I'm past the point of being embarrassed by who I was as an eighteen year old because it shaped the fairly great twenty-five year old young woman I am. I'm grateful to my eighteen year old self for being so honest and so naive..

If I had to describe the twenty-five year old woman I am in the same style as did the eighteen year old girl I was, I'd say this :

"In the end, no one cares about my name, the place I live or my age. They're just details, you know. My nicknames are Cha (spell it the way you want, I don't mind), Shannon and still Lyn. I spend all my time reading, and, yes, Kinder chocolate (and chocolate in general, I'm not too fussy) is still a weakness of mine. My favourite thing about December is still Christmas magic, but a strong second would probably be the little round toasts you have on Christmas dinner - I think you're supposed to put caviar or whatever fish on them, but I don't eat fish, so, what do I know? I like having lots of people in my life. I still am not one of these people who can count their friends on the fingers of one hand. I still trust people too easily, but now, I know how to protect myself and I know not to let people hurt me. I think. I still don't do halves and only yesterday, my driving instructor said that if he told me not to do something, I would do the extreme opposite instead. Not much has changed, eh? I still dream too much, eat too much (but is there such a thing as eating too much food?), and sometimes, I even drink too much alcohol - that is something that has changed in seven years. Mind when I was seventeen and got invited to my friend Magali's party and spent so much time trying to find an excuse not to drink alcohol because I was scared of being drunk and scared of my family knowing and hating me for it? That feels like five lifetimes ago. (I think I'd said that there was a history of liver failure in my family. Who knew that eight years later, I would tell my friends that I'd come back from the UK with liver failure?). I still am way too passionate, but now, I don't think there is such a thing as being "too passionate". I am passionate and enthusiastic, full stop. I'm not that shy anymore. I'm only shy in certain circumstances. I still need to be loved, there's no point in lying. I need to have people around. The only difference is now, I want good, supportive people around. I'm still scared about rats and losing people I love, but I'm not scared of the dentist anymore. I'm also scared of open waters - let's just not talk about it, okay? I'm pretty sure I can apply nail varnish on my right hand as well - the skills you acquire in seven years, am I right guys? I still want to call my daughter Eleanor and if I had a son, I'd probably call him Oliver. Gone are the days of me wanting to name my future children after the football players I admire. Music is still my everything - I still live for music, spend all my money in it, talk about it all the time and guess what? I have just given myself a platform to write about it. No, life isn't worthwhile without music. That would be hell, man. I have come to terms with the fact that gigs aren't free, and in the rare occasion when I end up on guestlist, I feel so bad about not paying that I want to dig a hole to the centre of the Earth and jump headfirst in it. What were the best ones I attended? Too many to name them all, but in the past couple of months, they have come in the form of Twin Atlantic at T in the Park, State Champs at the Backstage by the Mill or Mallory Knox at the Roundhouse. I am not a fangirl. I am very enthusiastic. That's probably why I followed three of my favourite bands on tour last week. I'm still human, you know, and I am still slightly in love with Charlie Simpson, after all these years. Some things never change. I still like sports but I can't remember the last time I have watched a game of anything. I have been to Liverpool (yet not to Anfield) and still want to go to Australia, Canada, Denmark and India, and so many other countries. The girl who needs sunshine to survive is shortly moving to a country where fifteen degrees qualifies as summer and twenty degrees a heatwave. I still admire the same football players I used to, I'm just less vocal about it. I still don't like Dora the Explorer but also, my life is too short for hate. "Always love, hate will get you every time" is my motto. I'm a confident woman now. 
No one will ever know everything. Not even me."

That's what I would say in that style. That's what I would tell eighteen year old me : this is what you are now, and you will change, and it will be great because you'll still be an amazing human being. You will have your hard times and you will go to hell and back, but you will find yourself in the end, and you'll be just as amazing as you are now - the difference is that, by the time you're twenty-five, you will know it and you will not be afraid to show it.

I think this was the most honest beginning of a blog I have ever written in my entire life. I know that, when you type "how to blog" on Google, blog gurus would advise you to keep it short and tell the world what you're going to write about. I think reflecting on the eighteen year old I was is far more interesting than plainly telling you I am going to write about the gigs I go to, the books I read and the clothes I wear as soon as I find a way to take good outfit pictures. The bottom line is, I think - I'm going to be just as honest as the eighteen year old I was. Full stop.

Welcome home.